My Loving Wife

In today's blog I want to focus on my wife.  Now this may seem lame to some, but she has had to put up with a lot from me in the past 6 years.  Our 6th anniversary was August 5th.  Sometimes I get upset at her because I don't think she knows how I feel or what I am going through.  I then think to myself, how is she supposed to, she's not an addict.  I could not ask for a more loving, caring, or encouraging person to call my wife.  She has stood right beside me through the thick and thin.  She has done more for me than I could ever thank her for.  It's embarrassing, but she has cleaned my vomit off me after I drank too much, she has let me sleep off hangovers even though she needed help around  the house or with daily tasks, she has sat up at night with me when I was a depressed, crying drunk thinking nothing in the world was going right for me...I could go on and on.  How many people in this world would do that for me? I can only think of one, Charity.  I deeply regret what she has put up with.  I was never an abusive or mean alcoholic, but that don't mean I didn't hurt her in many other ways.  I don't know how many times I apologized for drinking too much the night before, she had to get tired of that.  Would I have supported her the same way? Who knows without being faced with it, I like to think I would, but she is a strong woman.  I know if something happened to her health I would stand by her side until the end, but she had to put up with the puking, crying, need just one more drink, I won't drink that much ever again, drunk.  Thank you Charity. I love you more than I could ever put in words.  You have been a wonderful wife and from now on I will try to be a wonderful, more considerate husband.  You are my rock, you are my soul mate.  We will grow old together and look back on these days and be thankful that they are in the past.

On a happier note, 8 more days until I hit that one month mark.  I know there will still be many hard times and trials to overcome, but it's been longer than I can remember since I have been sober for a month.  Thank you all for your prayers and support.  Thank God for helping me and my family through this.

Until next time,

Chris

Another Step in the Right Direction

Well, I took the next step in my journey tonight, I went to my first AA meeting.  This wasn't a normal meeting, it had a guest speaker.  One of the members received her one year coin tonight and listening to her talking about how she got there was inspiring.  She is the one that set up the guest speaker, someone that had helped her through her struggles.  Listening to him speak was encouraging, sad, funny, and uplifting.  I am so glad I went.  Thanks to my friend that encouraged me to attend and went with me.  Put me with a dying patient and I go into Paramedic mode and can care for the patient, teach students, and do what I do best without caring who is around...I am comfortable at what I do.  I can teach classes to other medic students and nurses that I have never met and talk for hours...I am comfortable at what I do.  Put me in a room full of people that I don't know and have me to speak out about something other than paramedicine I am a nervous wreck.  When I decided I wanted to go to AA I was scared.  I didn't want to be that new person that everyone stared at and didn't talk to.  I have to say that EVERYONE in that room made me feel welcome and had words of encouragement for me.  I will definitely continue with AA because like I have said in other blogs, you just can't fully understand addiction until you have lived it yourself.  I know in the big picture that God is in control and if I listen to him he will lead me down the right paths.  It might seem crazy to some, but I think God wants me to go to AA because he knows that I need it.  Sometimes it might just be nice to vent to people that have been through what you have been through, or hear the stories of people that have been through much worse.  Also on the AA note, my friend brought me a copy of the AA book along with schedules for all the AA meetings around.  Thank you very much.  Sometimes it's the little things that might not seem like much to yourself but gives hope and encouragement to others.

In 10 days I will be sober 1 month.  Let me tell you, this month has been one of the hardest months, with more ups and downs than I can ever remember.  But you know what, I will make it to that month mark with support from God, family, and my real friends.  I say real friends a lot because it's the one's that have given me encouragement that are my true friends.  Some people have not had anything to  say and probably don't care.  It's not that I don't like these people, but I guess they are more of acquaintances. Once again thanks to everyone that's had kind words, emails, or phone calls.  I can't get enough of them. 

I in no way mean this in a bad way, but dealing with the public everyday makes me not want to be around them on my days off.  Again, I don't mean this bad, but lets face it, I deal with some idiots in my line of work.  Don't get me wrong, some of the people I deal with are awesome and a pleasure to deal with, but it's the idiots that get under my skin.  Because of this I have my circle of friends that I like to be around.  What I am getting at is that in going to the meeting tonight, it was comfortable being around people I didn't know that was sort of the general public, but all there for the same reason and it was obvious they were all there to support each other.  Without a better word, it was refreshing.

I would like to give very special thanks to my wife Charity for putting up with my ups and downs through all of this.  It takes a very special person, and a person who loves you more than words can say to put up with a alcoholic.  Thank you for being there Charity when I didn't know if I could go on any further. There has been many times, especially lately, when you gave me that extra push that I needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You gave me that push sometimes when you didn't even know. I love you Charity!

I am gonna keep on keeping on, one second at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time...what ever it takes. Until next time,

Chris

Family and Friends

Me and my beautiful wife Charity, my soul mate

My loving Children, Noah in front, Mia the tall girl,

Rachel beside of Mia, and baby Wyatt

Noah and the girls having summer fun

My mom and I, the lady that has been there

for me since day 1

My father and Wyatt. The man I have always

looked up to whether he knew it or not

My sister Beth, her husband Jarrod (my sister

couldn't have found a better man)

and my niece and nephew

Alex and Julia. I love my sister

more than she will ever know even though

I drove her crazy when we were young

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law, more like

brother and sister. I couldn't find a pic of their

beautiful boys, my nephews,  Dane and Renick but I will

and put their picture on here later.



For today's blog I thought I would focus on why I need sobriety.  My family means more to me than they will ever know.  I don't ever want my family to see me as the drunk of the family, just the recovered alcoholic of the family...the family member that beat his demons.  I have many more family members that I would love to put on here but it would take pages and pages, I love them too.  Friends...I can't say enough about my real friends, again if I put their pictures on here I would be uploading for days.  I am blessed to have each and everyone of them.

Family and friends are what this fight is all about.  I am getting sober for myself but it is so I will not lose any of the people that are near and dear to me because of my alcoholism.  The sad thing is, that in most of these pictures, in the back of my head I was thinking about when I would get another drink.  I never want that to be in the back of my head again.  It is right now, but I fight it off minute to minute and keep telling myself that I am going to win and the cravings will eventually leave.

I have received some very inspiring and encouraging emails this weekend which made my 3 day stretch at work much easier to endure.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, from everyone of you. All of you know who you are. Some of them were surprising and helped me to see that I am definitely not the only one having to struggle with addiction.  Daily I receive emails, texts, and phone calls from family and friends that are just checking on me.  They are all healing!

I will never mention names on here, but I had someone approach me this weekend and tell me they had a alcohol problem and had heard I was trying to get sober and wanted to know how to start toward their sobriety.  I talked to this person for quiet some time.  I felt really good after that talk, maybe, just maybe, getting the chance to help someone with their addiction too.  It made the rest of my night much easier. 

When Charity and I got home from work Sunday morning there was a book sitting beside our front door.  The book is called 'Choosing Life' At first we had no idea where it came from. Later that day I got a email from a family member that lost her husband to cancer last year.  She said this was his favorite book and he read from it many many times.  He had also overcome addiction in the past and she felt he would have wanted me to have this book. Thank you so much, you know who you are.  This was very special to me.

Also this weekend a dear friend bought me a book and dropped it off at work.  The book is called 'Never Give Up'. I have only got a chapter into it but it is very inspiring.  Thank you friend!!

I am still reading 'The Purpose Driven Life' with a close friend.  I have been inspired by this book and sharing my thoughts with my close friend.  As you see I have a lot of reading to do but you know what, this keeps my mind occupied and off of alcohol. 

So in short, everyone that has contacted me, given me something, etc. have given me extra drive to beat this. Thank you all so much. To my family and friends, I love you so very much. Keep me in your prayers still because I need it terribly.

I was supposed to go to AA tonight and unforeseen matters kept this from happening.  We are going to go though.  Tomorrow night I am going to AA with someone I have called a friend and worked around for many years.  Again, you know who you are and I can't express the appreciation for you reaching out to me.

I hope nobody gets too tired of reading my blog because it is great therapy for me.  Until next time.....

Chris

Another Day-Another Post

Sitting here at work and actually had some down time so I thought I would type a quick blog. It has been a pretty good day today, slept well and work has been fairly slow (hopefully I didn't just jinx myself!). The alcohol cravings have sucked today. I don't know why some days are worse than others. I have them everyday, but today has been worse than normal. Hopefully I won't be too tired to go to church this morning, night shifts makes it rough on my church going but I know that's what I need to do. Wyatt will enjoy getting out with dad anyhow. He's got a little buddy at church, Bryson, he enjoys seeing.

Couple of verses in Proverbs 3 that stuck in my head as I was reading my daily scriptures today I would like to share:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do,

and he will show you which path to take. (Proverbs 3:5, 6 NLT)


One more thing I would like to share. When I was young I remember a preacher saying "even when the sky is dark and full of clouds, the sun is still shining above them". For some reason this has always stuck in my head.

Thank each and everyone for your thoughts and prayers, they are much needed. My struggle is still very rough and tiring. I'm going to be honest here, I don't want to be, but I am thinking about a drink as I am typing this and it sucks! I am going to stay strong and stick to my guns for God, myself, my family, and my friends.

I hope there aren't too many typos, my phone won't allow the spell check option!

Another Day Down

Well another day without a drink! I believe that makes 19 for me now. It may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's huge! Got to go back to work today which I am very thankful for. I have continued to read my bible everyday and take time everyday to pray. I have had several people that I had no idea approach me and tell me they attend AA and would be glad for them to go with me. My family and friends encouragement is what keeps me going everyday.

I tell myself that I can do this one day at a time but sometimes it is a hour or a minute at a time. I think the DT's and withdrawals are better then they hit me like a ton of bricks sometime. I pray everyday that the cravings will get better and I know with prayer they will, but cravings are my worse demon right now. My body and the devil tell me to just stop and get a bottle and everything will be better, but then I pray and think of my family and friends and get through it.

In the back of my mind I keep hoping these blogs will somehow help someone with the same demons I have. After writing my second blog I was contacted about someone having alcohol problems and wanted to know the first steps in getting help. This has already made it worth my efforts in trying to do this blog.

Once again thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for not Only me but for Charity also!

Got the Ball Rolling

Today was a very tiring day so I don't have much to write.  Went to my first EAP counseling and it went great.  It was mostly the counselor getting to know me and how extensive of a problem I had.  I felt really good when I left there.  After leaving the counseling session I went to employee health to get cleared to go back to work tomorrow night which I am actually ready for.  I have been off a week, it helped, but now I am ready to go back to doing what I enjoy.  The employee health nurse, Vicki, had some great words of wisdom and good pointers.  She is going to be a great person to lean to for support if I need it and I really appreciate that.  After leaving employee health I went to LifeSkills to get the ball rolling for outpatient alcohol treatment.  I am really excited to get this started.  Oh yeah, I forgot, my counselor gave me homework until our next meeting.....get everything out of our house that is alcohol or alcohol related and to find several places where AA meets locally.  I was really against going to AA but EVERYONE  I have talked to has encouraged me to attend. 

The anxiety and DT's have been less today, I know that don't mean they won't be less tomorrow.  The cravings are still on my mind constantly. 

After all the meetings and paperwork Charity and I went to Red Lobster to eat and went to see a movie.  I can't remember the last time we had a date night and it was wonderful.  I also can't remember the last time I went out to dinner and didn't leave with a alcohol buzz....I walked out smiling and proud of myself. 

One of my biggest surprises of the day was when I got home and checked my facebook email.  My sister had emailed me and one of her friends has a friend that had read my blog from yesterday and has a friend that is fighting with alcohol problems.  She wanted to know what first steps I took so she could hopefully help her friend.  If I could help just one person with this blog it will make it all worth it!  I also read day two of The Purpose Driven Life.  I read my daily scriptures on the way to counseling since my stomach was in such knots :)

Tomorrow I have been married to the love of my life for 6 years. I am so thankful for her and her support.  I love you Charity!!


My thought for today: When I was young I would work out in the fields with my grandfather, my short legs would get tired of trying to keep pace with him.  He would tell me to look down at my feet and say to myself, "left foot in front of the right, right foot in front of the left" and so on.  This took my mind off of the long walk we had and before long we were at our destination.  I believe I can use this same "distraction" to help keep my sobriety.  Before I know it I will be where I want to be in life.

The Start of a New Era in my Life

To start with this blogging is very new to me soooo, bear with me.  I was going to start keeping a journal but decided to do a blog so I could share my progress (you will understand later) with my family, friends, and maybe even a complete stranger that it may help. 

First let me tell you just a little about myself.  I am 37 years old.  I have 3 biological children, Wyatt-2, Noah-8, Rachel-13.  I have another daughter that isn't biological, Mia-13, that I claim as my own.  Her father has no idea what he has missed out on!

I have worked for Emergency Medical Services for 18, 16 of them at Medical Center EMS as a Paramedic.  Actually my 16th anniversary at Medical Center was a week or two ago.  I have had many ups and downs in this job.  A great friend of mine, Sommer who is also a Paramedic, hit the nail on the head when she said we have a job with many ghosts.  Unless you work this job you have no idea of what we see and deal with.  It would blow most peoples minds!

I have been married three times which I am by no means proud of.  God finally gave me my soul mate, Charity.  Charity and I have had our ups and downs as any couples do, but she has stuck with me through thick and thin, in sickness and in health.  She is truly my SOUL MATE!

The reason I started this blog was in hopes it might help someone else down the road that is going what I am going through. 

A couple of weeks ago I was working a bad wreck in Edmonson County (where I work part-time as a Paramedic).  The heat index that day was about 110, the patient was large, the patient was trapped in her car.  Long story short after the run was over I started experiencing chest pains.  Thinking this was because I overheated I tried to ignore it.  Once I was back at the the station I started vomiting and the chest pain worsened, I thought for sure I was having a exertion heart attack.  Another crew put me in the ambulance and started to Bowling Green with me.  During transport my heart went into a rhythm called supra ventricular tachycardia.  All of my medical friends know this can be very dangerous.  I was hospitalized for 2 nights and 3 days.  My second day in the hospital I went into delirium tremors, DT's, from alcohol withdrawal.  It was at this time I realized I was a alcoholic.  I think many of my friends and for sure Charity realized this a long time ago, but I was too stubborn to admit it to myself.  As much as I hated to say it to myself, hard liquor had taken over my life.

Charity had tried to talk to me about it before but I would either get mad or laugh it off.  I was drinking at very minimum 3 liters of liquor per  week.  I was released from the hospital at 1:00 Friday afternoon and choose to be at work at 7:00 that night....stupid stupid decision on my part.  I sweated, cried, a shook uncontrollably all weekend.  The next week was the same.  All I could think about was getting a bottle of liquor and that would "fix" the problems I was having.  I could taste liquor from the time I got up in the mornings until I went to bed. Heck, I would wake up in the middle of the night tasting and craving it. 

In my mind I sure didn't want anybody else knowing I was an alcoholic, especially my family.  I knew that I wasn't raised that way and I was going to be the biggest disappointment ever to them.  I remember a couple of people on both sides of my family that had alcohol problems and my mom and dad talking about how awful that was when I was a kid. I wasn't suicidal, but didn't really care if something happened to me either. 

The next weekend, the weekend of August 30th, I went to bed at 10:00 Friday night and around 1:00 Saturday afternoon my loving wife dragged the blankets off me and in her sternest voice told me I WAS GOING TO GET UP AND SPEND TIME WITH MY KIDS!  I was a mess, crying one minute and pissed at the world the next minute.  Any time I had to think I was thinking about getting that drink. 

The next morning we were getting ready to go to church, I told Charity to take the kids to church and I was going to the doctor.  Let me back up a little here...we have some very close friends, Jason and Melissa Smith, that have been a great inspiration in our life.  They had gotten us back into church and we spend a lot of quality time with them.  They take care of Wyatt on our weekends to work.  They are like family.  Jason had me to download a bible on my iPhone.  The bible I downloaded has a daily reading plan on it that will allow you to read the entire bible in a year.  I really enjoy reading my daily scriptures.  Anyway back to the doctor...I was sitting in the waiting room, bored, and decided then would be a good time to read my daily scriptures. I was amazed at what my daily reading was.  Keep in mind the program picks what scripture you read for the day. Let me share with you what I read:

Psalm 6, v 2-7

2: Have compassion on me,
    Lord, for I am weak.
    Heal me, Lord, for my bones
    are in agony.

3: I am sick at heart.
    How long, O Lord, until you
    restore me?

4: Return, O Lord, and rescue
    me.
    Save me because of your
    unfailing love

5: For the dead do not
    remember you.
    Who can praise you from the
    grave?

6: I am worn out from sobbing.
    All night I flood my bed with
    weeping,
     drenching it with my tears.

7: My vision is blurred by grief;
    my eyes are worn out because
    of all my enemies.

I am in no way, shape, or form a man of God.  But I thanked God for letting me read them verses on this particular morning.  I broke down crying trying to explain to the doctor that I was trying to kick alcohol and needed help.  He gave me a strong antidepressant and some anxiety meds.  He also told me I was going to need some professional help if I was going to win, which I already knew in the back of my mind.  The rest of Sunday went well.  Took the kids to the mall then went and looked at homes with Jason and Melissa.  We watched a inspirational movie with them that night called 'Facing the Giants' which I think everyone should see.  It was written by the same people that wrote Fireproof. 

Before going to Jason and Melissa's on that Sunday I went and faced one of my biggest fears, talking to my parents about my alcoholism.  My stomach was in knots on the way to their house.  Funny thing is once I talked to them they were sad, but very supportive.  I felt like I had a rock lifted off my shoulders.  They are great parents and will help me with whatever I need to kick this.

The next day was another big hurtle, telling my little sister.  I love her so much I would take a bullet for her. Once again my stomach was in knots.  I told her and after a few more tears (which I have frequently lately), and a big hug she told me that she would do whatever it took to help me.  She later wrote this on my facebook wall:

I am so proud of my sweet brother. You can do whatever you set your mind to (ahem, you always have) I love you lots.  Its these kinds of words that encourage  me from day to day. 

On the day I told my sister I also set up my first alcohol counseling which I pray will help.  My wife said, "through sickness and in health" baby I will by your side. I know in my heart she will.  We have love that I could have never imagined.  I took off two nights after I seen the doctor on Sunday and spent time with Wyatt (daddies best little buddy) and hung out with Jason and Melissa.  They have been so much help, I can never repay them for what they have done for me and my family. I love you guys!

On August 2nd I had been sober for 14 days, not a long time but a rough time and I am proud of myself.  I have had an out pouring of love and support from my real friends.  The messages I got on facebook brought tears to my eyes.  I know this road has just got started but I am stubborn and have my mind set on doing this.  I just wish the cravings weren't there.

I took my 8 year old fishing this morning along with my nephew and got to spend some quality, unfogged time with them.  My sis fixed lunch and  I truly enjoyed setting and talking to her. For once in a long time I didn't have my mind on getting home and getting a drink.  When I did get home I experienced some DT's but some meds and a few minutes later they were gone.

Friday is Charity and I's 6th anniversary.  I am so lucky to have her! Tomorrow is my first counseling.  I will let you guys know how that goes.  I know this first blog was long, but I had some catching up to do.  Please pray for me and my family.  I not only need to get through this for me but for them too. 

I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!!