The Start of a New Era in my Life

To start with this blogging is very new to me soooo, bear with me.  I was going to start keeping a journal but decided to do a blog so I could share my progress (you will understand later) with my family, friends, and maybe even a complete stranger that it may help. 

First let me tell you just a little about myself.  I am 37 years old.  I have 3 biological children, Wyatt-2, Noah-8, Rachel-13.  I have another daughter that isn't biological, Mia-13, that I claim as my own.  Her father has no idea what he has missed out on!

I have worked for Emergency Medical Services for 18, 16 of them at Medical Center EMS as a Paramedic.  Actually my 16th anniversary at Medical Center was a week or two ago.  I have had many ups and downs in this job.  A great friend of mine, Sommer who is also a Paramedic, hit the nail on the head when she said we have a job with many ghosts.  Unless you work this job you have no idea of what we see and deal with.  It would blow most peoples minds!

I have been married three times which I am by no means proud of.  God finally gave me my soul mate, Charity.  Charity and I have had our ups and downs as any couples do, but she has stuck with me through thick and thin, in sickness and in health.  She is truly my SOUL MATE!

The reason I started this blog was in hopes it might help someone else down the road that is going what I am going through. 

A couple of weeks ago I was working a bad wreck in Edmonson County (where I work part-time as a Paramedic).  The heat index that day was about 110, the patient was large, the patient was trapped in her car.  Long story short after the run was over I started experiencing chest pains.  Thinking this was because I overheated I tried to ignore it.  Once I was back at the the station I started vomiting and the chest pain worsened, I thought for sure I was having a exertion heart attack.  Another crew put me in the ambulance and started to Bowling Green with me.  During transport my heart went into a rhythm called supra ventricular tachycardia.  All of my medical friends know this can be very dangerous.  I was hospitalized for 2 nights and 3 days.  My second day in the hospital I went into delirium tremors, DT's, from alcohol withdrawal.  It was at this time I realized I was a alcoholic.  I think many of my friends and for sure Charity realized this a long time ago, but I was too stubborn to admit it to myself.  As much as I hated to say it to myself, hard liquor had taken over my life.

Charity had tried to talk to me about it before but I would either get mad or laugh it off.  I was drinking at very minimum 3 liters of liquor per  week.  I was released from the hospital at 1:00 Friday afternoon and choose to be at work at 7:00 that night....stupid stupid decision on my part.  I sweated, cried, a shook uncontrollably all weekend.  The next week was the same.  All I could think about was getting a bottle of liquor and that would "fix" the problems I was having.  I could taste liquor from the time I got up in the mornings until I went to bed. Heck, I would wake up in the middle of the night tasting and craving it. 

In my mind I sure didn't want anybody else knowing I was an alcoholic, especially my family.  I knew that I wasn't raised that way and I was going to be the biggest disappointment ever to them.  I remember a couple of people on both sides of my family that had alcohol problems and my mom and dad talking about how awful that was when I was a kid. I wasn't suicidal, but didn't really care if something happened to me either. 

The next weekend, the weekend of August 30th, I went to bed at 10:00 Friday night and around 1:00 Saturday afternoon my loving wife dragged the blankets off me and in her sternest voice told me I WAS GOING TO GET UP AND SPEND TIME WITH MY KIDS!  I was a mess, crying one minute and pissed at the world the next minute.  Any time I had to think I was thinking about getting that drink. 

The next morning we were getting ready to go to church, I told Charity to take the kids to church and I was going to the doctor.  Let me back up a little here...we have some very close friends, Jason and Melissa Smith, that have been a great inspiration in our life.  They had gotten us back into church and we spend a lot of quality time with them.  They take care of Wyatt on our weekends to work.  They are like family.  Jason had me to download a bible on my iPhone.  The bible I downloaded has a daily reading plan on it that will allow you to read the entire bible in a year.  I really enjoy reading my daily scriptures.  Anyway back to the doctor...I was sitting in the waiting room, bored, and decided then would be a good time to read my daily scriptures. I was amazed at what my daily reading was.  Keep in mind the program picks what scripture you read for the day. Let me share with you what I read:

Psalm 6, v 2-7

2: Have compassion on me,
    Lord, for I am weak.
    Heal me, Lord, for my bones
    are in agony.

3: I am sick at heart.
    How long, O Lord, until you
    restore me?

4: Return, O Lord, and rescue
    me.
    Save me because of your
    unfailing love

5: For the dead do not
    remember you.
    Who can praise you from the
    grave?

6: I am worn out from sobbing.
    All night I flood my bed with
    weeping,
     drenching it with my tears.

7: My vision is blurred by grief;
    my eyes are worn out because
    of all my enemies.

I am in no way, shape, or form a man of God.  But I thanked God for letting me read them verses on this particular morning.  I broke down crying trying to explain to the doctor that I was trying to kick alcohol and needed help.  He gave me a strong antidepressant and some anxiety meds.  He also told me I was going to need some professional help if I was going to win, which I already knew in the back of my mind.  The rest of Sunday went well.  Took the kids to the mall then went and looked at homes with Jason and Melissa.  We watched a inspirational movie with them that night called 'Facing the Giants' which I think everyone should see.  It was written by the same people that wrote Fireproof. 

Before going to Jason and Melissa's on that Sunday I went and faced one of my biggest fears, talking to my parents about my alcoholism.  My stomach was in knots on the way to their house.  Funny thing is once I talked to them they were sad, but very supportive.  I felt like I had a rock lifted off my shoulders.  They are great parents and will help me with whatever I need to kick this.

The next day was another big hurtle, telling my little sister.  I love her so much I would take a bullet for her. Once again my stomach was in knots.  I told her and after a few more tears (which I have frequently lately), and a big hug she told me that she would do whatever it took to help me.  She later wrote this on my facebook wall:

I am so proud of my sweet brother. You can do whatever you set your mind to (ahem, you always have) I love you lots.  Its these kinds of words that encourage  me from day to day. 

On the day I told my sister I also set up my first alcohol counseling which I pray will help.  My wife said, "through sickness and in health" baby I will by your side. I know in my heart she will.  We have love that I could have never imagined.  I took off two nights after I seen the doctor on Sunday and spent time with Wyatt (daddies best little buddy) and hung out with Jason and Melissa.  They have been so much help, I can never repay them for what they have done for me and my family. I love you guys!

On August 2nd I had been sober for 14 days, not a long time but a rough time and I am proud of myself.  I have had an out pouring of love and support from my real friends.  The messages I got on facebook brought tears to my eyes.  I know this road has just got started but I am stubborn and have my mind set on doing this.  I just wish the cravings weren't there.

I took my 8 year old fishing this morning along with my nephew and got to spend some quality, unfogged time with them.  My sis fixed lunch and  I truly enjoyed setting and talking to her. For once in a long time I didn't have my mind on getting home and getting a drink.  When I did get home I experienced some DT's but some meds and a few minutes later they were gone.

Friday is Charity and I's 6th anniversary.  I am so lucky to have her! Tomorrow is my first counseling.  I will let you guys know how that goes.  I know this first blog was long, but I had some catching up to do.  Please pray for me and my family.  I not only need to get through this for me but for them too. 

I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!!